Inner Thoughts
by Devil's Backbone
Summary: Shuichi is experiencing dark thoughts, and Yuki isn't helping. In the end, we are all humans. Suicide fic.


Disclaimer: Don't own Gravitation, just this story and the plot.

Warnings: Attempted suicide, M/M, shu/eiri, ooc-ness.

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Shuichi's POV 

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I smile while holding the razor close to my skin.

I'm not mad. Believe me, I'm not. Many would say that taking my own life is a cowardly choice. But is it?

I simply can't stay like this. I just can't bear to suffer all the time, knowing that I'll never be able to improve myself. First I visited a psychologist. She was nice, and tried to help me as best as she could. I felt better after talking with her about my problems, but the depressive thoughts would always come back to hunt me again afterwards, like a drug.

Speaking of drugs, I also received a reception of different pills and medicines. I hate medicines, but she told me it was better to take them than feeling bad about myself all the time. So I tried.

It actually worked for a period, but I got easily sick of it. In the end, I didn't bother to take them any longer.

And that is when things started to become even worse. My mood swings kicked in with full force, and my voice was rasping like a crow when I was singing.

Needless to say, Tohma wasn't happy. Not happy at all.

But the real killer was that Yuki couldn't stand the sight of me.

I tried, I really did. I tried to smile when he was around, and hug him while being my happy self. But he would always snort, and push me away. I'm used to it of course, but it still hurts. Even more so, because my emotions were so unstable.

And then he would go out and not come home until midnight, smelling of booze and perfume. I didn't dare to presume where the perfume came from, but I couldn't ignore it either. Whenever I asked him where he had been, he would grin wickedly and say: None of your fucking business, ugly:

I found a card in his pocket, with huge letters spelling "Pleasure Paradise: Men's Sanctuary."

He thought I was so ugly that he had to fuck whores to get it off? Charming…

In the end, I was feeling so down that I didn't know what to do with myself. Hiro was fussing over me like an overprotective mother, but he couldn't do anything for me.

That is how it is. To be trapped in my own mind.

I can't escape.

Physically pain will fade in time, but thoughts and feelings are worse to get rid of. And whenever I would try to give a damn, my throat would constrict painfully, like I wasn't allowed by my body to forget.

I never told Yuki, because I was afraid that he wouldn't understand. Afraid that he would kick me out, and tell me to drop dead.

But what I was most afraid of was that he would actually mean it.

It seemed like I only had one choice to end my depression and self loathing.

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I cry softly while slicing my arm, drawing a small river of blood. The body fluid is falling down, creating a small, red puddle on the floor. I hope Yuki will forgive me for making such a mess. Now he can bring home pleasurable companies whenever he wants to.

While I'm lying here on the floor and staring at the ceiling, my depression is flowing out of my body like the blood. Finally I can rest in peace.

The door creaks, and I could hear Yuki yell out my name. Funny, he usually never does that. Maybe he is drunk again. Or maybe he wanted to kick me out. Well, too late for that. I just hope he calls my parents when he finds my body.

Then I hear a loud gasp. It sounds so far away.

Even though I lost a lot of blood, I could still feel the heat of his body as he cradles me closely. He kisses my forehead, and is saying something I didn't understand. My mind is too far away now. Yet, my inner thoughts are whispering in the dark.

"Yuki, do you love me?"

Did I say that aloud?

He stares at me in shock, and now I could see that he was crying. He holds me even closer, and brush back my bangs, placing yet another kiss on my face.

"Yes! Yes I do, so don't leave me!"

I must be dreaming, because my Yuki would never say something mushy like that. But I'm still happy.

The door creaks yet again, and I'm surrounded by people in white clothes.

For the first time after cutting myself, I'm scared. Because I'm not sure if I'm going to live or not. It's not my choice any more.

Am I a coward?

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Don't know if I should make a happy ending, or a sad ending. Please tell me what you think. 

Devil's Backbone


End file.
